I’m taking this from another of my blogs because I really like these commandments and think they deserve their own blog entry. You can see the original blog post here.
It’s pretty obvious that the bible is not a moral guide, no amount of pretending can change that fact. Only a couple of the actual Ten Commandments have anything to do with an actual moral code, and as many, many people have said all you would have to do is write “Don’t fucking own people” and you will have created a more moral book than the Holy Bible.
With that in mind, I present my own 10 commandments. I find them much more moral, even if I use the word FUCK a lot!
…and These are my holy commandments and I expect you fucks to obey. Except maybe the first two, they were practice and got left in because I was feeling lazy and I really wanted there to be ten. Also, we aren’t going to do the whole “Hell” thing (so I’m really not sure where that Satan dude lives) but you might have to answer to actual human authorities for being a dick, or maybe we will make you stand in a corner for a millennia or two. The point is fear my wrath asshole!
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s fish even if it’s Branzini which is really tasty.
- Thou shalt go to a doctor and get that thing looked at.
- Thou shalt not lie, cheat, steal, kill, rape or own other people as fucking property.
- Thou shalt realize there is some leeway with those first four items for the safety, wellbeing, and health of yourself and others but rape and slavery are fucking no-goes all of the time… forever.
- Thou shall get your children fucking vaccinated and take them to the doctor or hospital when sick. I gave you the science, fucking use it. Also if you make fun of the Anti-vaxxers but don’t believe in climate change science, shut the hell up and respect the Earth anyway.
- Thou shalt be as kind as possible to animals, even the food ones for they sustain you, cause them no unnecessary pain.
- Thou shalt be kind to your fellow man and to yourself and when you fail in this you will apologize to them (or yourself), not me! Then actually try not to do it again.
- There is no holy land anywhere ever and the only chosen people are the ones who are truly kind. At the same time treat the land as if it is holy, and no, that doesn’t mean fight over it.
- Thou shalt leave people who are not harming you the fuck alone. This includes LGBTQ people and people with different levels of melatonin in their skin and even people you just don’t fucking like. Side note – this does not mean you have to respect their unproven or delusional beliefs. It doesn’t mean you can’t call them out for crazy shit or stop them from hurting themself or others, you can do all that while still respecting them.
- Don’t be a dick. Also, it’s okay to say fuck, I do it a lot. It’s just a word.
The bible also claims these are exactly the same as the first… and of course, except for being nothing like the first set, they are exactly the same!
- Don’t make treaties with people who believe in other gods.
- Conquer people who believe in other gods and destroy their religious property.
- Worship the god whose name is Jealous.
- Don’t make any molten gods.
- Celebrate three feasts during the year: unleavened bread, the first harvest, and the last harvest.
- Every firstborn donkey shall be redeemed by sacrificing a lamb. If a firstborn donkey is not redeemed, break its neck.
- Don’t appear before God empty.
- Don’t work on the Sabbath. Keep the Sabbath day holy.
- Three times a year every male must appear before God.
- When you make blood sacrifices to God, don’t include any leavened bread.
- Don’t delay in offering your first fruits and liquors to God.
- Don’t boil a young goat in its mother’s milk.
What would your 10 commandments say? I bet we can all do better than the Abrahamic god.